Tuesday, December 05, 2006

What Is Appropriate Here?

About 1½ years after their wedding, my friend C and his wife both decided to uproot and move over to US in early 2005. They came back for a short visit year end 2005 but due to their limited time and packed schedules, we did not get to meet up. Just some words exchanged over the phone.

Sometime early this year, C sent me an email – he’s gonna be a papa soon. Every alphabet in the email spells pride and joy. Their first born will probably arrive end November/early December. I am truly happy for them too and I clicked the mouse straightaway to send my congratulatory message.

And about 2 weeks ago, I was on the phone with C’s sister, L on some work matters. The conversation veered to both of us complaining and whining about our unfinished workloads, etc….

Me : So when are you going on leave?

L : What leave? I’m drowning in work la.

Me : Thought you got plenty of leave to clear.
Your parents going US or not? Maybe you can join them ler.

L : Huh?

Me : Your parents go welcome new grandchild ma.

L : No lah.

Me : Ohh…..your brother and wifey coming back here to have the baby izzit?

L : No lah.

Me : (hmmmm……maybe I remember wrongly the baby’s EDD)

Me : So baby arrived ledi or belum? First grandchild wor? Everybody must be kancheong la.

L : Err…..Errrm…..It didn’t work out.

Me : Aww……I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. My apologies.

Haiyah……I felt soooo horrible. Can someone please teach me and tell me what is the most appropriate?
posted by nyonyapenang at 12:29 AM, |


hmmm you actually didn't know that it didn't work out so what would be appropriate or not?? I really don't understand leh. Well i for one think it's no big deal maybe it's bcos I had a miscarriage for my first pregnancy too. don't be too hard on yourself!
  At 12:51 AM Anonymous may said:
but... what is "it didn't work out"?

I'd be in a spot too, i I were in your shoes. curiosity of course would make me ask what happened, if I'm close enough to them, hopefully in a non-prying manner. but if it's a totally closed and sensitive topic, then... leave it as it is lor. time would reveal all, if not at least some to understand what happened.
  At 1:15 AM Blogger ah nel said:
hmmm...its not ur fault coz no ppl inform u bout it..if u knew bout it sure u wont ask... ;)
nothing mah...I mean, how are you supposed to know?
  At 7:12 AM Blogger just me said:
You can send words of comfort to them...and I am sure they will understand
  At 7:38 AM Blogger FireHorse said:
It's very hard to know what the appropriate response is if they don't tell you what the situation is. Besides it might be a personal thing that they don't want others to know. Don't feel bad, just leave it for the moment until they are ready to share with you.
  At 8:57 AM Blogger Wennnn said:
Nyonya no nid to be unhappy about it.. Not ur fault coz U din know about it anyway... So it is nothin to ask whether appropriate or not lor!! If it happens it happens lor!! Yes or no????
Me : Aww……I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. My apologies.
in moments like this, what more can you say and do other than to express your regrets.
at least you were talking to the sister and not the mum herself.
  At 9:37 AM Blogger William said:
"it didn't work out"

They're separated?
  At 10:05 AM Anonymous suituapui said:
Haiya! Things like that happen all the time! Especially in these modern times, where got "till death do we part" anymore??? Best we can do is say, "Oh! Sorry to hear that!," and move on from there!
  At 10:22 AM Blogger sengkor said:
i think u shld start at the most indirect way next time:

'so, wht do u think will happen after the sperm met the ovum..?'
  At 10:51 AM Anonymous eve said:
eh achelli there is nothing much for u to say liao..like wat May said..if u are close enuf..u can ask wat happened la..if not..just let it be lor..
errr....nyonya..my practice n my landlord mia..very near to each other nia..in PJ..Bernard..kitorang MSN je...haha..i wonder how Angel got the idea that i m fr singapore..ekkekekek...
ya, but sometimes you can just sense the uneasiness.

as in miscarriage or the pregnancy was terminated. i oso not sure.
ya lor, let time takes it's course.

ah nel,
not fault ler - buden, just felt like, 'aiyah, me and my big mouth'

king's wife,
i also malu ler. if only the sis had told me after my 1st or 2nd question.

just me,
ya, i suppose i will.

i think i'll just leave it as that for the moment.


what a lulu,

they lost the baby.
sad, ya?

you see the sister also dowan to use the words 'they lost the baby'. i guess they are not ready to talk. i respect their decision.

is that your pick-up line?

since now i know ledi, i'll just let it be.
hey, you're in pj? the places i'm familiar with, i dunno any dermatologist/gp clinic with an orthopedic clinic a few doors away.
care to tell? my email :
  At 12:06 PM Anonymous ian said:
I guess I can say, "whatever it is, I wish the both of you well."

appropriate or not?
nyonya, haiyo, I am in Seapark leh
  At 1:06 PM Blogger Kenny Ng said:
Next time hor... just make dunno n ask... eh, got baby ledi or not? It won't hurt their feeling ma.
  At 1:34 PM Blogger Sasha said:
oo happened to me also. My neighbour went to PG to give birth. Then tat day the hub came back. i also bodoh go n ask. "give birth edi? girl or boy"..the dad say "give birth edi, boy, errr no more edi..". I was like AH????????
  At 3:15 PM Blogger Kak Teh said:
Nyonya, you didnt know - so dont feel bad abt it. Maybe they are not ready to talk abt it and therefore did not write to tell you. Just send an ordinary email, asking abt this and that..ok or not?
thanks. :)

kasi la nama.

i think better keep my trap shut ler.

gua felt kinda uneasy lor.

kak teh,
ya, i suppose.
  At 4:27 PM Blogger titoki said:
So embarrassing can die... ;p

Abuthen, I believe your friend knows that you are not aware of the situation laa. So you shouldn't worry too much.
  At 5:18 PM Blogger ah nel said:
not big mouth lar...everyone oso wil ask same question wan... ;)
  At 7:37 PM Anonymous mott said:
thing is..now that you know..do you send a "deepest sympathy" email, without looking like some 'patpoh'?? Hmmm...tough eh?
  At 7:50 PM Blogger angel said:
ohh... this story u told us that day... if i were u, i just fast2 say sorry...

i came bek kolumpur yesterday but today laosai, pat tor thia, boh khi cho karng...
  At 9:50 PM Blogger ikanbilis said:
aiya nyonya, relax la. i understand the situation. i sometime oso can kaypo too. lu beh hao mah.. say sorry because u memang tak tau mah. take care k? sayang sama nyonya =)
ya lor, very mm ho yi si, lor.

ah nel,
gua pun otak slow sikit lor - orang sudah cakap "no ler, no and no...", tapi gua catch no ball.

not ready to to do so.

aiyoh, lu chiak hammi leh? sekalang, oo kah ho boay? oo chiak ubat boh?
have a good rest, ok?
  At 11:42 PM Anonymous Angeleyes said:
hmm... a tough situation to be in... but if you are close to them I guess it's okie to send them an email to enquire about the lady's health? Then maybe they will tell you more?
  At 11:56 PM Blogger u-jean said:
so paiseh la...

but you didn't know ma...

can't really blame you right...

but at least you showed that you 'ambil berat ma'

kalau like me, orang dah beranak sepuluh i pun tak tau lagi
  At 11:40 AM Blogger sming said:
yeap i agree with almost everyone.. you were just showing ur concern... :)
  At 7:38 PM Anonymous Anonymous said:
maybe later. :)

hahahaha....you're funny.
a case of MYOB.

but quite mm ho yee see too.
  At 7:42 PM Blogger Bernard said:
That's ok lah nyonya, nobody will fault you for asking. Lu pun sama-sama tumpang excited and now sama-sama disappointed wif them.

nyonya, wa boh tua ti PJ liao. Wa tua ess pee.